It was beautiful, hard, and overwhelming to realize the blessing I was given by her being my Grandma!
I have started and restarted this post several times. How do you put into words a heart that is breaking, rejoicing and realizing all at the same time?
Breaking because one of the most special people in my life will never again hold my hand, sign off our phone calls with a double kiss, or ask "how are my babies?" as she did every day since the first great grandchild was born till the day her words left her.
Rejoicing that she is with Jesus! That she is at the feet of Jesus seeing His face. That she is in a new body without aches, without struggling to get the thoughts from her mind to her mouth. That she may be running through beautiful fields (she liked to sleep after she had her stroke because she could run in her dreams.) "Thank You Jesus for taking Granny home!" these words have echoed during meal prayers around our table and oh are we thankful!!
Rejoicing because I did have such a special relationship with her. She was a part of every big event in my life; from cheer leading competitions, to graduations, to my wedding, setting up my kitchens as we moved, moved and moved again, and of coarse she was there for the birth of my first baby. She wasn't there just for the big ones though, she was there for so many everyday days. In my younger years when I would wake up "on the farm" she knew how to
make me feel like the most special kid in the entire world on just a regular day. (I guess I'm reconsidering and feeling like every day I did wake up on the farm was a special day! ) In the later years she was there for several phone calls even in the same day when I was happy, lonely, frustrated, sad, celebrating or just needing to talk to one who loved me no matter how I was feeling. So many times I would say, "I need to ask my Grandma because she is very wise." You see, her formal education level made her feel less than wise, but I disagree wholeheartedly! I remember several times calling and expecting her to just agree with me and my opinion on things. However, she would wisely talk me through seeing another perspective than the one I was stomping my feet from before I even knew it, my perspective was changing, softening. Oh how she guided me through the big and the not so big.
Realizing how she loved so many so well! Our family is close and it is a given that she poured her love out on us. But there were so many stories of how she loved others well, not just others but Jesus. She did things to love His children, His church, His gospel and many of these acts she did without anyone knowing until the day of her beautiful celebration! I am realizing it doesn't always have to be grand or over planned, just do something to show someone love and the Lord will bless it and carry it forward to touch many.
I am also realizing how deep the memories grip of that precious country church and the faces, though much older now, are still recognized as sweet friends of Grandma's who greeted me so kindly and genuinely when I was just young visiting her church. When it was time to leave the church that day I wasn't sure just how to walk away. That place that holds so many precious times by my grandma's side, the clear picture of the choir no more than twelve strong (with her in the center) that pops into my mind by the second measure of certain hymns, the experience of the most touching foot washing service followed by the Love Feast (Passover Feast,) and now the place we told her goodbye for the last time. How do you walk away?
I pray I walked away changed. I know I am much of who I am today because of who she was is to me, but I want to be a bit different. I saw a clear ripple effect of her love for her friends, family, and Christ. Will I have that effect on those I love so dearly? Will I be "a pinch of salt to this world" the way Pastor Donnie described Grandma or will I be the one always defeated by the to do list, the schedule, the routine?
I want to love well, I want Christ to be honored through my life and my days, I want to be a pinch of salt just like Grandma!!
